No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
