Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
