we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
