Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
