I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
its not stalking. its research.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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