I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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