well I can't set my house on fire every night
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
