Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
