im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
