i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
