I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
