somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
