I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
