I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
