I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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