i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
