He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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