I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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