I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
