My girlfriend figured out who you are.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
