for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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