I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
