Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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