Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
