he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He told me they were just razor bumps!
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
