You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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