The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
