Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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