Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
