Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
