I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
