just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
