If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
