Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
