I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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