My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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