My room smells like vodka and shame
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
