I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
