i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
