I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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