My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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