then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
