my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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