K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
