A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
