I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just gargled with NyQuil
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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