2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
