the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
