oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
