My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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