Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
