then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
